Dirty Deeds done dirt cheap??? (A segment of Francois Le Quifs’ random moments)

                                  It was late afternoon on a Friday after a

                          Long busy day of Haircuts & Color for the French

                          Hair Designer, Francois, at Icon Salon. He was

                         Already nauseated from working all day without

                         A moment to eat nuts or have a smoke. He

                         Became even more agitated to discover that

                         His favorite cheap deli on Grove Street, Jersey

                         City was overwhelmed with a line of casual

                        Consumers being held up by a homely dressed

                        Middle-aged woman purchasing all sorts of

                        Lotto, jackpot and quick-pick tickets.

                                The crowd in the store was already groaning

                       After the obnoxious, insensitive woman ordered

                      15 more quick-pick and twenty more jackpot

                      tickets after she previously purchased 50 items

                      of the same combination of tickets.

                               “Mon Dieu!!!” Francois slapped his forehead

                      nearly knocking his glasses off “Why ze fuck don’t

                      ze have separate line for ze hopeless bum

                      gambling addicts with no life. I just want a pack of

                      faggots, a turkey sandwich with pen-us sauce and

                      a P.B.R.!”

                               The rest of the line mumbled and grunted

                      With hesitant agreement with Francois.

                              “What the fuck did you just say you

                      spineless, cock-sucking Mutha Fucka!!!” The

                      middle-aged old school Jersey woman turned
                      sharply around with intense violent eyes at

                      Francois “I ain’t no bum, freak, I’m retired and

                      I’m just playing a game!”

                               Francois seemed barely unaffected by the

                      Middle-aged woman’s outburst, if not slightly

                      Amused “Zen why don’t you retire to your

                      Fucking garage and let zese people buy zeir

                      Little shit!?”

                                     There was a slight applause among the

                      Potential customers just before the fuming, red

                      Raging middle-aged woman leapt toward a

                      Shocked Francois as everyone in the store gasped

                              At the middle-aged woman’s sudden violent

                       Agility.

                             “I’m gonna kick your fuckin’ ass you pillow

                       bittin’ Mutha Fucker!”

                             She kept Francois tightly held by the neck in a

                       Strong hold. Francois instantly realized that he

                       Entered territory he has no match against.

                       In desperate outrage, Francois yelled aloud “Call

                       Ze fucking police!!! Oh my Satan!!! She has her

                       Finger up my asshole!!!! Help me please, you

                       Idiots!”

                                                     Fini         

Story and characters of Francois Le Quif/ Le Competitor written and created by Jesse S. Montalto on 10/11/13

Copyright © Jesse S. Montalto, 10/11/13

All Rights Reserved

Fast Cars and High Pitched Assholes A segment from Francois Le Quif

                        It was late morning as Francois Le Quif (Jersey

                       City’s notorious French, Gothic eccentric Rock ‘n’

                       Roll Hair Designer) made his way to work on foot,

                       late as usual. He was just a corner away from Icon

                       Salon and the light was in his favor for once.

                       Unfortunately, their was a light in favor on the

                       Street perpendicular to him. Francois took merely

                       One step forward to cross the street as a huge

                       White car sped inches away from hitting him.

                       Francois exploded publically in a furious,

                       Uncontrollable French rage at the driver, who was

                       cursing at Francois at the same time.

                             “True de Coul!!! (Asshole)” Francois jumped

                       ridiculously animated with all his limbs flailing

                       violently around in the air in “Watch where the fuck

                       you are going you Fis da Pute!!! (son of a whore).

                               ”You should be watchin’ where you’re going

                        you crazy freak!” The driver in the car screamed

                        back at Francois, staring with questionable awe

                        at Francois make-up and leather kilt “You

                        obviously don’t know Jersey Traffic laws well

                        dip-shit!” The driver leered at Francois, thinking

                        he’s taking advantage of his ignorance of U.S.

                        laws as a foreigner.

                                 ”Casse La Goule!!!(Shut your dog mouth)

                        Francois shouted vehemently at the driver

                        “You are supposed to let ze people go first who

                        have ze light, Salaude!! (Bastard)”

                                  Suddenly there came a shout from a

                        Third party across the street. It was Charlie

                        The owner of Icon Salon “Francois, quit

                        Fuckin’ around and get in the salon! There

                        Is a client who’s been waiting for you for 20

                        Minutes!!” Charlie exaggerated.

                                    The driver smirked maliciously at Francois

                        But just before he could have the last word

                        Francois’ quick tongue fired with almost

                        Calculated timing, casually remarking

                       “You are so lucky, you piece of merde, next

                         time I piss in your mothers’ asshole.

                            Nick da mere!!!” Francois quickly yet casually

                            Walked across the street to meet an agitated

                            Charlie “What a great way to start the day

                            Francois…” Charlie’s sarcasm was obvious.

                                       “I know right? I love zis city, no?

                             So full of life, sex, drugs and assholes”

                             Francois waved with a wink and blew a

                             Kiss at the road raged driver just before

                             He and Charlie entered the Salon.

                                       Just as the driver began to get out of his

                             Car and follow Francois and Charlie into the

                             Salon, a JCPD Car pulled over right next to the

                             Driver to his surprise. The Jersey Officer

                             Stepped out of his car and asked the driver

                             For his license and registration.

                                       “Look… Officer..” The driver began with

                             a failed, fake polite tone before he was

                             interrupted by the officer.

                                      “Explain it to the judge, pal” The officer

                             said to the driver in a serious manner “I saw

                             everything from across the street while I was

                             writing a ticket for another traffic violation.

                             That guy you almost hit had the light and the

                             Right of way. You always let people cross first

                             When they have the light. I’ll be surprised if he

                             Don’t sue ya, buddy. Don’t you know Jersey

                             City traffic laws? You bettah not let me see

                             This happen again. Have a good one, chief!”

                                         The officer left the aggravated speed

                              Demon by his car clutching his traffic ticket

                              With silent rage.

 Story and characters of Francois Le Quif/ Le Competitor written and created by Jesse S. Montalto on 10/11/13

Copyright © Jesse S. Montalto, 10/11/13

All Rights Reserved

            

  

A Francois Christmas

      In the Jersey City Mall in Newport… Like way before Christmas.

    

           ”Mon Dieu! Why ze fuck are all zese stupid Americans holding up ze line?” Francois rolled his eyes at the unforgivingly annoying Christmas tunes blaring in the store “It’s not even fucking December yet and all of zeze consumer whores buy things in a rush. Then ze same idiots come back with ze same stupid merde to buy more tasteless merde for their poor loved ones. I’m just trying to buy new aviator glasses after having broken my old ones last night having wild, wet, unapologetic, filthy sex with those two 23 year old Korean Twins I met at ze Thai café on Grove Street! Merde! Why do all of us who buy simple useful things wait behind the nauseating fat nasty human garbage with bags of garbage to return for more useless stupid garbage, not only to annoy us but ruin the lives of their families with their instinct for mall merde!”

           A surprising handful of consumers behind Francois clapped and even cheered “Yeah! Hurry the fuck up! This ain’t even the customer service line, you assholes!”

          “Yeah!” screamed a nearly ancient old school jersey woman “I want my fuckin’ Winston’s!!!”

          A younger woman in her mid-thirties, who was fairly attractive with shiny dark brown smooth hair, pink lip gloss and almond shaped eyes yelled “I’ve been here with a stick of eye-liner and condoms for twenty minutes!!! I work in accounting everyday and I need to fuckin’ get laid tonight, that’s my fuckin’ Christmas! Fuck Santa in his white haired bulbous, blushing, wrinkled asshole!!”

          A child started crying up front as it was drowned out by the cheers of consumers with smaller, reasonable items behind him.

         “Hey!” A fat middle-aged white haired Cocky Jersey man snickered at the line behind him “Why don’t you babies have some respect and wait your turn like everybody else. Stop listening to this freak here” pointing at Francois “He ain’t even American…”

         “Fuck you, you fat consumer fascist!” A bearded Grover-bodied hipster shouted from the rear of the line.

         “Aye” Francois casually sneered at the fat old white haired consumer whore of a man “Why don’t you be like everybody else and lose 500 pounds, you fat bulbous Hippo?” Francois laughed at his own retort, barley finishing his sentence as everyone in line behind him laughed. The fat white haired man grew silently livid at Francois and the public mockery he made of him as his entire face turned fire engine red.

       The gorgeous brown haired working girl with her box of condoms and eyeliner giggled as she shyly smiled, blushing as Francois winked softly at her.

       “Must be a lucky man” Francois gently kissed her hand “ a sexy creature like yourself has to spend with on this beautiful night, Mon Amour…”

         She giggled and blushed again “Oh, you’re such a sweetheart… I must have been so upset to say that aloud… I actually was planning to order a guy on an escort service online tonight but I never dreamt I’d run into someone like you… You’re so wild and untamed…”

          “In every way, Mon Amour…” Francois delicately licked her ear.

          “Oooohhh wwwoooo…” The sexy woman giggled with excitement “My name is Rachel” She eyed Francois with severe sexual intensity.

           “Why don’t we go to ze stupid customer service line where zese idiots in ze front should have been and get a discount for putting up with zis merde?” Francois whispered into Rachel’s ear as they casually began to walk away arm around each others’ waist from the long line Francois turned into a bickering crowd of angry customers “Zen we see how good zese condoms are, huh?” Rachel giggled wildly as the two disappeared down the escalator kissing each other firmly.

Story and characters of Francois Le Pouf/ Le Competitor written and created by Jesse S. Montalto on 10/11/13

Copyright © Jesse S. Montalto, 10/11/13

All Rights Reserved